Chipping Away Your Boulder

I’m sure you are familiar with the phrase, “a chip on your shoulder”.  You are usually upset at something or someone or you may feel down about yourself.  Only sometimes, this so called chip grows and grows until it feels more like an immovable boulder.  You can probably relate this to having baggage, but considering I am more of a visual person, I viewed it as a boulder.  So what do you do?  Continue to carry this chip, also known as your boulder, around as if it is apart of you, while struggling to manage the weight?  Just imagine having something that is immovable by man because the weight is so massive on your back.  That is exactly how I felt with all of the issues that I was forced to begin to face two years ago.

Facing this huge obstacle was something that I did not choose to do, it was more so forced upon because of what I was dealing with at the time during my life.  It is funny how life will position you in a way where you will have to face your fears, past, guilt, shame, loneliness, secrets, and your insecurities all at once.  So there they were…all of my issues that I could possibly think of, fused into this hard and heavy boulder that I was tired of caring around.  All I could think of at that moment was, now what?

I couldn’t suppress it at all.  Instead, I had to accept everything that was weighing me down for years and I had to determine what I was going to do with it.  I could not move it, make it disappear, or act as if it did not exist.  I tried that for years and if anything, more junk just accumulated. So, I decided to chip away at the boulder.  First, I had to get my protective gear and my tools that I would need in order to work on dismantling my boulder.  My protective gear was prayer, meditation, and listening to myself about my feelings.  My tools for breaking down the gigantic monstrous boulder were honestly, my anger, frustration, and tears.  I was done with holding on to everything and once I was able to admit that and talk about everything I used to feel uncomfortable about or disliked about myself, I slowly started to feel lighter.  Now, this was a process and was not an overnight fix, but once it was done, I noticed something.  I successfully chipped away the boulder, but instead of carrying all my issues, I was surrounded by them.  Visually, they became rocks scattered about me.  Now What??

My next plan was to decide if I was going to discard all of those issues and begin a new life, worry about ALL of my issues and allow them to take control of me all over again, or be happy that I was looking down at my issues versus carrying them in such a way that consumed my life.  It took me awhile to realize that looking down at my issues was a beautiful thing.  I thought about the phrase, “kick rocks”.  Yes!  I could actually maneuver those rocks that once laid over me as a boulder.  That felt amazing.  However, how can I say that?  Before me, laid the very issues I cried over and felt shameful about.  They were still there, but this was the turning point for me.

At that moment, I acknowledged that all of those issues, the not so bad to the most ugliest issues, were experiences that made me who I am today.  So, I could not get rid of them because that would be like getting rid of parts of myself.  I could not act as if they did not exist because I would be denying what I went through as my life’s experiences.  Instead, I continued to go on my journey in life accepting my issues as experiences and every now and again, I see them on my life’s path, but it is okay because I know I do not have time to stop, examine, and pick up that issue because I know that there are new experiences lying ahead of me.  Waiting just for me.  I am sure that all of my future experiences will not be good ones, but the best part about it is I have freed myself of my past issues to fully deal with my future experiences…good or bad.  In all, if you have had enough of struggling with carrying your boulder, just ask yourself, is it time for you to get your protective gear and tools and chip away your boulder?

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